It’s really tough when a relationship breaks down, even if you know that separation from your partner is the best thing for you and your children. But if you have kids together, it makes things even more complicated. There’s likely to be a lot of changes at the beginning. The important thing for you and your partner is to show your kids that you still love them and that, while lots of other things may change, that won’t.
Tips to help make these changes smoother for children
Tip #1: Is it too late?
Tip #1: Is it too late?
Tip #2: Kids first
Tip #2: Kids first
Tip #3: Talk as a family
Tip #3: Talk as a family
Tip #4: Offer lots of reassurance
Tip #4: Offer lots of reassurance
Tip #5: Listen to your children
Tip #5: Listen to your children
Tip #6: Don't let the kids get stuck in the middle
Tip #6: Don't let the kids get stuck in the middle
Tip #7: Give them space
Tip #7: Give them space
Tip #8: Get the grandparents involved
Tip #8: Get the grandparents involved
Tip #9: Talk to other people in their lives
Tip #9: Talk to other people in their lives
Tip #10: Try and stick to your usual routines
Tip #10: Try and stick to your usual routines
Tip #11: Let your child play
Tip #11: Let your child play
Tip #12: Make a Parenting Plan
Tip #12: Make a Parenting Plan
Tip #13: Involve your children in the decision-making process
Tip #13: Involve your children in the decision-making process
Tip #14: Consider mediation
Tip #14: Consider mediation
Getting advice and support if you're separating from your partner
Separating from your partner is never going to be easy. The good news is, you don’t have to cope with all this alone. There are lots of organisations that can help with advice and support throughout your break up and afterwards.
Next steps
The websites offer a helpful overview of the things you’ll need to think about as well as further advice for taking your next steps:
The Parenting Plan lists everything you’ll need to consider when making arrangements for your children.
Support and counselling
You may also find it helpful to talk to someone who’s outside your family, someone who you don’t need to feel you must ‘put on a brave face’ for. This could be a friend, or you could call a helpline like the Spark or Breathing Space.
It’s also a good idea to consider counselling. Relationships Scotland offer counselling to help people with their relationships and support parents, children, young people and the wider family through family change and disruption.
The Spark also specialise in online counselling and telephone counselling services. Call their free Relationship Helpline on 0808 802 2088 or visit the Spark's website.
Financial support
Separating can also have a big impact on your finances. For advice on benefits and other support you might be entitled to and tips on making the most of your money, you can contact the Money Talk Team for a free confidential chat. One Parent Families Scotland have more advice on benefits here.
Legal advice
In some cases, if you and your partner can’t come to an agreement yourselves or through mediation you may need to talk to a solicitor about your situation. You can find a solicitor near you on Family Law Association or Law Society of Scotland websites. You can also contact the Scottish Child Law Centre for free confidential legal advice on all aspects of Scots law relating to children and young people.
You can find more useful organisations listed in the Parenting Plan.
Child maintenance
Both parents are responsible for the costs of raising their children, even if they don’t see them. This can be a tricky issue to discuss, but it’s essential for your children’s wellbeing. If you can’t reach an agreement between you, you can get help through the Child Maintenance Service. You can get more advice on child maintenance from Citizens Advice Scotland.
Safety
We realise that the situation is very different if you have concerns about the safety of yourself and your children, for example, if you’ve experienced domestic abuse or your partner has issues with alcohol or drug misuse and it’s not safe for you or your children to be in contact with them. But if you’re in this situation, you’re not alone. Here are some organisations offering advice and support.
- Scottish Women’s Aid provide support to women, children and young people who have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse.
- The Scottish Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline can also be contacted 24 hours a day on 0800 027 1234. You can also access web chat on The Scottish Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline's website. There are a number of local services who can provide support and the helpline will be able to signpost you to these.
- You can find links to more organisations offering advice and support about domestic abuse on the Safer.scot website.
- The Shelter Scotland website has advice on your housing rights in this situation.
- Citizens Advice Scotland has information on finding out if a partner has an abusive past, making a safety plan to leave an abusive partner and getting financial help.
- Scottish Families Affected by Alcohol and Drugs supports anyone concerned about someone else's alcohol or drug use in Scotland.
- If you have any parenting concerns, you can call the Parentline Scotland helpline for support and advice.
Child contact centres
Child contact centres provide a safe, welcoming place for children to spend time with a parent they don’t live with. This could be where there has been no contact for a period of time or where it’s not appropriate for a child to spend time alone with a parent or family members. They can also be used for handovers where you bring your child to the centre to be collected by the other parent. This can help reduce any conflict and stress if you’re having a difficult time seeing your ex-partner. You can find out more at the Relationships Scotland website.
Family Support Directory
Find more support on your family relationships from trusted organisations in our Family Support Directory.