Forming a good relationship with your child

We’ve all done it – they start telling us the plot of their favourite book or telly programme or talking us through a computer game in minute detail and we can’t help it, we tune them out. But children need our attention to help them develop, and to feel safe and valued. So next time they launch into a story, put your phone away and give them your full attention. Show them you’re listening by commenting on what they say and asking questions. If they know you listen when they’re talking about day-to-day things, they’ll be more likely to talk to you about more important matters.

If you can, make time to do something together that also gives you the opportunity to talk. For example, you could feed the ducks in the park, try gardening, cooking or baking, or just play together. If they know they can get your attention at these times, they’re less likely to act up and more likely to talk to you about anything that’s upsetting them.

Hearing kind, loving words helps children feel safe and valued, so make sure you praise them regularly and let them know you love them. It can feel a bit unnatural at first, but try and praise them for what they do rather than what they are. For example, rather than saying they’re clever, say how proud you are that they’ve worked hard.

Likewise, if you need to tell them off, explain that it’s the behaviour that you’re not happy with, not them. For example, if they won’t get up in the morning, don’t call them lazy, instead explain that they have to get up because otherwise you’ll be late for school. If they do something they know they shouldn’t, don’t label them as naughty but explain why their behaviour upsets you.

Try not to make promises you can’t keep, or threats you won’t carry out. If your child knows you mean what you say, they’ll be more likely to trust you and less likely to argue.

Nobody can be 100% consistent – unless they’re a robot! And sometimes bending the rules can be fun on special occasions. But on the whole, try to be as predictable as you can in your daily routine and how you set boundaries. This will help them feel more secure and confident.